Survivor's Guilt - Page 4

The second one was even worse, and I didn't feel sorry for him at all, so I just ignored him and started my hunger strike.

Technically I was still on it, but the I.V. they'd forced in me made my strike more symbolic than anything else. The first and only time I tore the I.V. out I spent twenty-four hours strapped to my bed before being released and told in no uncertain terms that my future mobility was dependent on me not doing that again.

I was starting to really resent everybody interfering with my attempts to kill myself.

I only had myself to blame though. I botched my first attempt when it turned out to be a lot harder than I thought to slit open one's own wrists, and ended up here; since then everything I would have tried seemed to have been anticipated in advance. Even when I pulled my I.V. out they must have been standing outside the door, they had it back in so fast, so unless I wanted to keep making stupid gestures that got me strapped down and seeing if I could bore myself to death, my best option seemed to be playing nice until they slipped up.

This was also turning out to be harder than I thought it would be, but I was doing my best.

“We were camping,” I said woodenly. “None of us had summer classes, only I needed a job, but there's always somebody to cover your shift during the summer, and it was so hot we decided to head up into the mountains where it was cooler. Cool air, three tents, and enough supplies that we'd only have to hunt and fish if we wanted to.” I smirked. “It wasn't my idea, of course.”

“Of course.”

“It was Mark's, and it was something he'd been begging us to do for ages.” I felt my voice start to catch in my throat. “Mark's timing always did suck, but he'd gotten a new bow and wanted to try some rabbit hunting at night or something ridiculously macho like that. Johnny and Jenny just wanted to share a tent, and I . . . just sort of went along like I always did.”

“Happenstance then.” It wasn't a question

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